End jokes

My field trip at school earlier:

Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"

Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."

Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."

Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"

Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*

Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"

Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"

Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."

*Window breaks*

Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"

The end.

What starts with T, ends with T, and has T in it?

A teapot.

Can I get a building license?

It's the end of the world!

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar.

Oh, is that how he ended up in a wheelchair?

Roses are red,

Lilies are white,

One race ends up dead

And the other ends up bright.

So apparently, Kurt Cobain's death was mind-blowing.

Ever since convicted New York State felon Donald John Trump has taken office, the Canada-US border has been a mess of tariffs, counter-tariffs and boycotts.

And where does it end? I just got served a salad with 500 Islands in the dressing instead of a thousand. The price was the same.

The only thing worse for a man than the end of the world is a testicular clinic.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.

But the cancer patients aren't.