Distance jokes

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

Your hairline is so far away that even the Hubble Telescope can't see it.

Covid said to stay 6 feet... I didn't think Kobe meant it literally.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.

🧀: C’mon tomato!

🍅: I’m trying to ketchup.

🧀: You’re a mile away.

🍅: I am a tomato! It’s not that easy for me to ketchup.

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

Yo mama so fat that Will Smith could slap her from a mile away.

Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.

Join us for more of the story, after the break!

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

Why did my foot cross the road?

Because your ass was on the other side.

What did Scorpion say to the ugly person?

"STAY OVER THERE!"