Measure

Measure Jokes

Fish

Why are fish easy to measure?

Because they bring their own scales.

Transgender People

Why do Republican men hate transgender people?

Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!

Uranus

How do you measure the circumference of Uranus?

By the rings around it.

Forehead

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

Mama

Yo mama so fat, every time she measures her carbon footprint the website breaks.

Mama

Your mama is so stupid, she put a ruler under her pillow to measure how long she slept.

COVID-19

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Dick

Okay, boys are known to measure their dicks, but do girls measure their depths?

Nightmare

Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.

Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.

He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.

Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.

Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.

Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.

Forehead

Yo forehead is so big, Albert Einstein couldn’t figure out the measurement of it!

Fat

You are so fat that when you go out to check your letterbox, it measures 8 on the Richter scale.