Death jokes

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?

How do you tell if someone is depressed?

The brains on the wall.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.