Death jokes

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Ni-tro-gen!

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

What instrument can a skeleton never play?

An organ.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

what do you call an emo person who's not depressed?

dead.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

What's red and spins really fast?

Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.