Death jokes
Roses are red.
My soul is black.
I am never getting my dad back.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Once I'm done choking you,
You will be too.
A fat man meets a skinny man.
The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."
And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."
I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar? They never get old.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
What did the rope say to me?
"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.