Death jokes
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
How do you know when an orphan is lying?
When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
What's grosser than gross? A truckload of dead babies.
What's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom.
What's grosser than that? When he eats his way out.
Grosser than that? When he goes back for more.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Rust in peace.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What is Beethoven doing now?
Decomposing.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?
About 5000 calories.