Death jokes
Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.
Friend: Why?
Me: So they would hang themselves.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?
I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion. After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma. After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"
2020 was the first time Kobe had passed in years.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
I wanna die.
Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.