Death jokes
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
What song does Kobe Bryant hate?
"Rocky Mountain High."
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
Why did the emo kids stop going to their favorite tree?
It died before them.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
Who was most surprised by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide?
Jeffrey Epstein.
What do you call a kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.