Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
Death Jokes
My dog died today. 😥
Your dad's hairline was so long that he died.
The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.
Me: "Cya"
Mom: "Where ya going?"
Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."
Mum: ...
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care!
John F. Kennedy may rest in pieces.
Why do orphans die young?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.
10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.
What would you like as your last meal?
Fried chicken. Extra crispy.
What does Buzz Lightyear and an orphan's parents have in common?
They go to infinity and beyond.
A leaf and an emo kid fall from a tree. Which one is gonna land first?
The leaf, because the rope stops the emo kid.
When's the best day to get the chair? Fry-day.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat-mate.
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Imagine. Kobe could not.
What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?
When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
