Death jokes
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?
Fall Guys.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
Yo mama so fat, when they buried her, they named her Everest. Mount Everest.
Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.
Mom, where are we going?
To your grandma's funeral.
Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.