Death jokes

I don't want to die.

Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.

What did the first skeleton say to the second skeleton?

What's a skeleton's favorite instrument?

A tromboner.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

He got hit!

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.

Can I pin your corpse to a tree?

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

Putting WiFi in the morgue to enable live streaming.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

On the plus side, Nicola Bulley no longer has a problem with alcohol.

What is red, white, and goes round and round?

A baby in a blender.

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,

"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"

The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

Next he died, eaten all fried.

What does a dead baby look like?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.