Death jokes

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.

How did Princess Diana cross the road?

Through the windshield!

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

Alahu-Akbar.

What's a suicidal person's favorite drink?

The depressay expressay.

Just kidding, bleach!

Rape victim: I want to die.

Man: Hang in there.

Rape victim: That's what I'll do, I'll hang myself.

Are you a bullet? Because you go straight through my head.

Why did Hitler die? He got hit by 'ler'.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

What did Michael Jackson say?

Nothing, he's dead.

What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.

What is red, white, and goes round and round?

A baby in a blender.

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

What did one casket say to the other casket?

"Is that you coughin'?"

Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?

Everywhere.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.