Danger jokes
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
Why do people want to jump off buildings?
Because they want to become Superman.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?
To get them into his van.
I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.
I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.
What do a plastic bag and Jeffery Epstein have in common?
They're both dangerous to children.
Man: *steals drink*
Boy: bro😭😭
Man: Why are u crying over a drink?
Boy: That had drugs.
Man: ....