You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
Why do people want to jump off buildings?
Because they want to become Superman.
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
What kind of club is every parent afraid of their kid joining?
The Mikey Jackson club.
How do you spell the name of the most dangerous pedophile?
M-I-C-H-A-E-L J-O-S-E-P-H J-A-C-K-S-O-N
I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.
It was a breathtaking experience.
Man: *steals drink*
Boy: broðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Man: Why are u crying over a drink?
Boy: That had drugs.
Man: ....
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
