Danger jokes

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

A: Free delivery.

What’s red and very rare?

A baby in a blender.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Hi, I gave a blind kid a gun. I told him it was a hairdryer.

Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.

What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?

When you drop them both, everyone screams.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

Roses are red, fishers are fishing,

I really hope you’ll be reported missing.

How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?

Tie the bungee cord around his neck.

Commander: "Fire a warning shot."

Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."

Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."

Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*

Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"

What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler!

When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."