Dad jokes

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

Why should you abuse the hell out of an orphan? Because what are they gonna do? Tell their mom or dad?

A kid told me to go get a dad, so I punched the kid. He went to tell his parents. Oh wait, he can't, 'cause he's an orphan, and orphans have no parents.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"

The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

Why do orphans have no bruises?

Because they have no dad to beat them.

Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.

What does my dad and the Twin Towers have in common? They used to be with us, now it's just a sensitive topic.

What's an orphan's least favorite joke?

Dad jokes.

Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*

What did the orphan say to his dad last?

Please get non-fat milk!

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?

Daughter: *tooth hurty*

Dad: All right.

Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?

Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.

My Dad was mowing the grass today. I looked out the window and saw him slumped over the lawnmower. Apparently, he was just going through a rough patch.

From your Dad.

I won’t be back for a while, it’s a very long line.