Dad jokes

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

Your hairline is so far back that your dad still can't find his way back home.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

Son: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Dad: Don't know, why?

Son: Because they taste funny.

A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.

What did the dad say when he left the lollipop store?

"Cya suckers!🍭"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

🎆 New Year's Eve

Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

Your forehead is like my dad.

Non-existent.

Cousin: Hey, is that an octopus?

Me: Yes, what, it is just an octopus.

Cousin: Oh yeah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Octopus touch me!

Me: What, it is just one..... ummmmm dad cousin d[id].

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

I told my dad that I’m gay. He replied, “No, you're retarded.” Then he went off to kiss a baby.

Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.