Line jokes

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"

In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

America's police phone number is 911 because that is the day they lost everything.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

A man is about to be hanged. His executioner asks for his last words.

The man says, “Man, it’s hard to think of something when your life is on the line.”

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

Ferb is older than Phineas because his last line.

Ferb: "I’m boutta blow this sh*t!"

Are you a noose, 'cause I wanna hang out with you?

What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

They always line up.

Are you lightning?

Because you're McQueen.

You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.

I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.

I just cut everyone.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

This is just a bad emo pickup line, lmao.

Are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in!