Dad jokes

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot I have ever seen, though.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

Your dad must be a mailman.

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?

What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

How do you know if your sister's on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes funny.

What's worse than fingering your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.

So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.

“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.

“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.

So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”

“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”