Dad

Dad jokes

Phone

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

Lost

What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?

Your dad.

Memes

Bullet

What does a bullet and milk have in common? They both take out your dad.

TV

Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.

Sleepover

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

Orphan

Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?

Teacher: What?

Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.

Teacher: Why water?

Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

Cannibal

Son: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Dad: Don't know, why?

Son: Because they taste funny.

Potato

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

Orphan

When you see an orphanage bully, remind them that no matter how powerful they are, they will never be as strong as their dads... Oh wait, they don't have a dad.

Friend

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

Bike

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Food

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

Abortion

The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"

The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"

The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"

The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"

The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"

Light Bulb

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.