Cut jokes

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

Your hairline is like Justin Bieber’s buzz cut.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Why do egos like robbing banks?

They get a cut.

The Emo kid was late to his flight, so he needed to cut to the chase.

Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.

What did the orphan say to the barber?

I dunno, the orphanage doesn’t pay for haircuts.

MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was cutting onions, the onions cried instead of her.

Making a comforting breakfast.

But you have a knife.

Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To cut through traffic.

The circular saw asked the chainsaw, "When am I as big as you?"

The chainsaw would answer with, "When you cut down some things in your life. Like your owner."

The circular saw would reply with, "What?"

Why is Dawayne so small? Because his parents cut him up into small slices!

How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they sit in the dark crying.

None, they sit in the dark cutting their wrists.

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.