Cut jokes

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo.

So it can cut itself.

Running out of time to cut the grass, may have to cut it short.

Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!

Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?

In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.

This is how animals were named.

"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?

"Bison. Perfect."

I should probably stop making emo jokes.

They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Your hairline is so far back your mom can't cut it.

How do butts start a conversation?

"Let's cut to the chase!"

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

How do u get a depressed person out of a tree?

You cut the rope they hung themself in...

Why did the rapper become a barber?

To give everyone FRESH CUTS.

Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.

Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.

He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.

Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.

Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.

Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.

Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.

What's one thing you should never ask a suicidal person? "Are you okay?" because the next day they'll either be dead or have a lot more cuts than they started with.

To those who are dead now, was it fun?

What is 8 divided by 2?

Answer: 3 (you cut 8 in half).

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.