Cut jokes

Emo grass cuts itself, while transgender laundry hangs itself.

Why are farts a nice break for emos?

They get to cut cheese.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a dead hooker.

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

USS Liberty. Never forget.

It was bombed and destroyed by the Israeli airforce. Thirty-four dead, 171 wounded. The official story says “accident,” yet an American flag was clearly visible on the ship.

Motive: An attempt to cut off our foreign intelligence on Israel? Blame the bombing on an Arab country?

Just imagine if any other nation bombed an American ship...

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.

Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

This is how animals were named.

"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?

"Bison. Perfect."

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

I should probably stop making emo jokes.

They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?

A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.