Crime jokes
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
No one.
A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm.
"This place looks scary," the kid said.
And the man replies, "I know right, I have to walk out of there alone."
What is a paedophile’s favourite symphony?
Amadeus Mozart’s special flute in A minor.
What is a shark’s favorite TV show? Sea-S-I.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!
Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"
Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"
Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)
A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.
Why doesn't Batman have super vision?
His parents died.
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
If a WOMAN gets RAPED, RUN INTO THE SECNE AND HELP HER.
Did you hear they found a cure for autism? It's called Zyklon B.
Light it up blue 🔵
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD