Crime jokes

One day, a man was walking in an alley when a crackhead attacks him. So the man shoots him in the head and runs inside his home. When he goes to his wife, she asks him if he saw her dad.

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*

Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.

Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?

My life #freemymanrkelly

Why was the egg runny?

Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.

What did the cannibal say to the other?

"Can I practise on you?"

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.

Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of CRACK.

Teacher, what do you call sex making out with a C.I.W.?

Jake grabbed Lina's thigh and said, "Why don't we have sex? I really wanna see your boobs. I bet they're hot." "Yeah, they are." She took her clothes off and he saw her body. "OMG GODDESS OF BOOBS, PUSSYS AND BUTT LETS HAVE SEX LOOK AT MY..." HE WOKE UP THEN CRIED AND KISSED HIS SISTER'S BUTT. SHE SMACKED HIM THEN HE TOOK HER TO HIS BASEMENT AND KILLED HER FROM SEX.

What do you call a black man with a gun? A gangsta.

A man told his love interest she looked beautiful.

And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him.

And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny.

Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

Teacher: Ok class, good morning. We are going to start off by asking what kind of sound animals make.

Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?

Class: A cow says "moo moo."

Teacher: Good!

Teacher: What does a sheep make?

Class: A sheep says "baa baaa."

Teacher: Good! Now, what does a pig say?

Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall, you stupid mother fucker!"

Who make hard candy for the kids?

Solve.

Did you hear about the bank robber?

Turns out he got shot by the police.

And he wound up in prison.

At night I became a mattress murderer.

What do you call a dwarf with ESP that escaped a prison?

A small medium at large.

Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a watermelon?

The watermelon didn't scream when I sliced it.