Crime jokes

Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."

The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."

An officer confronts two congressmen.

He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"

The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a watermelon?

The watermelon didn't scream when I sliced it.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

Donald Trump didn't build a wall because he likes going to islands to touch little girls.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I have a gun,

GET IN THE VAN!!

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.

What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

I tried to pull (his/her) leg at the comedy club, but got arrested for sexual harassment. Does that still count as a joke? 🤣

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!