Crime jokes

A man told his love interest she looked beautiful.

And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him.

And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny.

Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

Teacher: Ok class, good morning. We are going to start off by asking what kind of sound animals make.

Teacher: Ok, what sound does a pig make?

Class: A cow says "moo moo."

Teacher: Good!

Teacher: What does a sheep make?

Class: A sheep says "baa baaa."

Teacher: Good! Now, what does a pig say?

Little Johnny: A pig says, "Put your hands up and get against the wall, you stupid mother fucker!"

Who make hard candy for the kids?

Solve.

Did you hear about the bank robber?

Turns out he got shot by the police.

And he wound up in prison.

At night I became a mattress murderer.

What do you call a dwarf with ESP that escaped a prison?

A small medium at large.

Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a watermelon?

The watermelon didn't scream when I sliced it.

Your mum was so poor that she went to rob the bank, but she left because she couldn't find the cameras. She left her son, and the security [girl] gave him the camera.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

I laughed at their chalk outline.

I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.

Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.

The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.

Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"

He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"

If you read this, you fucked your dad and your 4-year-old sister, you sick fuck... At least wait till they are 15.

I found a child on the street homeless, and they were really nice, so I took them home. Then I said, "Who's better, Biden or Trump?" They said they support Trump. They are now dead in my basement and have been for 3 years.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?