Crime jokes

Bill Cosplay

Roses are red, Larry is bad.

I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van!

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂

How do you get away with rape?

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.

Orphan: But I don't have a mom!

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

One day, a man was walking in an alley when a crackhead attacks him. So the man shoots him in the head and runs inside his home. When he goes to his wife, she asks him if he saw her dad.

Your mum was so poor that she went to rob the bank, but she left because she couldn't find the cameras. She left her son, and the security [girl] gave him the camera.

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*

Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.

Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?

Teacher, what do you call sex making out with a C.I.W.?

Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of CRACK.

My life #freemymanrkelly

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.

Why was the egg runny?

Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.

What did the cannibal say to the other?

"Can I practise on you?"

What kind of person will steal Captain Hook's hook?

Answer: A hooker.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.