Crime jokes

At night I became a mattress murderer.

Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a watermelon?

The watermelon didn't scream when I sliced it.

The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.

I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.

Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.

Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"

He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"

If you read this, you fucked your dad and your 4-year-old sister, you sick fuck... At least wait till they are 15.

Why did the rapist not get sentenced?

Because rule 69 said so 🤣🤣

I found a child on the street homeless, and they were really nice, so I took them home. Then I said, "Who's better, Biden or Trump?" They said they support Trump. They are now dead in my basement and have been for 3 years.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?

Who wants to see me rape a toddler?

1) What was Techno's reaction when he died?

2) Where did all the orphans go?

PS: In case you don't get it, it's a pedophile joke, cuz he is one!

A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!

A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"

What do you call a black man with a gun? A gangsta.

If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.

Why did the terrorist not get paid, but they loved their job?

They di2s drying plans.

What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorist.