Crime jokes

How do you make an eight-year-old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear after you’ve raped her.

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

Why do the police never catch the orphan?

The orphan is not wanted.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?

Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.

What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both try to get there before the hair does.

You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?

Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.

What is George Floyd's pickup line?

You are breathtaking.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

One of the students reported a school shooting.

That fucking snitch...

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?

Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

VOTING FINAL This vote is for the best School Shooter joke of the month.

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke and the Joke of the Month will be announced in the comments tomorrow.