Crime jokes

What’s harder than steel?

Michael Jackson in a playground.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.

What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both try to get there before the hair does.

You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?

Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

Why do the police never catch the orphan?

The orphan is not wanted.

Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?

Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

One of the students reported a school shooting.

That fucking snitch...

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?

Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.