Crime jokes

Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?

Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

One of the students reported a school shooting.

That fucking snitch...

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?

Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

VOTING FINAL This vote is for the best School Shooter joke of the month.

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.

Vote for the better joke and the Joke of the Month will be announced in the comments tomorrow.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

What is a pedophile's favorite planet?

Uranus.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"

Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.

Why do orphans rob banks?

Because they want to be wanted.

Why do they call them a nonce?

Because they go for people who don't have any sense.

What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?

A box office bomb.

I looked so deep in the dark web, I started to see Tyrone.

What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?

"Dine and dash."

Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?

They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.