Rip Jokes

Anonymous
in Puns

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

he he funny sex number

jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter

9
Big Daddy
in Puns

You know why I don’t buy Velcro items anymore?

They are a total rip off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

J0K35
in Depression

Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.

Guy 2: Is it a hard life?

Guy: Yup

Guy 2: Then you can’t kill yourself LOL

Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the “game”

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud… (cyndagoooooooo)

Anonymous

My arm: IM GETTING RIPPED TONIGHT

No Honey for a month
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee, his dad sees this and says “i saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks.” Johnny replies “i don’t care, i don’t like honey anyway.” About fifteen minutes later little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says " i saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little johnny replies “I don’t care, i don’t like butter anyway.” Both little johnny and his dad go in for dinner, johnny’s mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. little johnny looks and smiles and says “do you want to tell her or should i?”

Anonymous

When I was younger i went to an indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the Cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to “hold it properly”. So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.

in Self Harm

whats the difference between my arm and my stomach??? my stomach isnt ripped

Royal
in America

what do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip-off

But she hasn’t tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 positions. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same. But the bf didn’t know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly the girl had an urge to fart, but hold it in because her asshole was right near his bf face. Suddenly she loses control, and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says

“Bitch if you think I’ll be lying here for 67 more of those, you’re fucking crazy.”

Anonymous

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip off.

Anonymous

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

Ethan
in Gorilla

RIP Harambe

Anonymous

Velcro is such a rip-off

Anonymous
in Tree

What do you call a cheap circumcisim, a rip off

Anonymous

RIP Stephan Hawking who was buried today…he did always love black holes.

0
🏳️‍🌈 Audrey 🏳️‍🌈
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s sister Suzy sees her mom in the shower and asks what is that between your legs? Her mom responds, “That is my garage”. The next day Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, “What is that between your legs?” Her dad answers, “It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy’s garage.” The next day Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, “Why is there blood all over your hands Suzy?” Suzy says, " Well… little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage so I ripped its wheels off."

J0K35
in Depression

A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid

Man: Hang in there! Im gonna get some help!

Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said

RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)

Daniel commited suicide five years ago today…

Big boys

What has teeth but doesn’t use them to chew the answer would be a comb or a piano but technically if you ripped someone’s teeth out and hand them to them they have teeth but can’t chew with them