Crime jokes
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank? He did not have the guts!
A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.
What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."
What would Bill Cosby be if he was white?
Innocent.
Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?
A: He rapes D minor.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
I killed a man, but it was April Fools'!
How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.
“NO NO NO”
I’ll give you some candy.
“Oh ok🤩”
Is crummy bears alright??
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
Why was the egg runny? Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.
Teacher: Students, tomorrow bring your parents to the open house.
Student one orphan: I don't have any.
Student 2: What is the difference between you and an escaped prisoner?
Student one orphan: What!
Student 2: The prisoner gets picked.
What's orphans favorite game to play?
GTA5 because they want to be wanted!
Yo mama is soooooo fat that she was arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack!
Why did the orphan kill someone? Because it would make him wanted.
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
We're gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
They’re draining the economy doooown!
They’ve spent our budget on weed
and lube to spill Jack’s seed.
They’ve ruined our wonderful town!
We're gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
They have no moralityyyy.
They’re spreading degeneracy.
We ain't what we used to be.
We’ve got to kill ol' no good Jack and Jill!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
but then they stopped at the tippy top to smoke some marijuana.
They went to the store, and got some more, to fetch a “few” more beers.
Next day they came, ran off again, repeat for 24 years.
We’re gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill!
They’ve banked off buying boooze!
They’ll drink and sell the price
at the original times thrice.
Corruption wins, the avg. folk’ll loseee.
We’re gonna have to kill
no good Jack and Jill.
Their kids’re in the business tooo!
They’re draining all our banks.
Give 'em well deserved spanks.
We’ve got to kill ol' no good Jack and Jill.
Jack and Jill Netflix and chilled and made a grave mistaake.
What a blunder, there was no rubber, now they’re a house of eeiiight!
A bolt went off, they opened shop to resell their porn and lean.
It all went swell, but for us, well, we’re now an oligarchy!
WE’LL KILL OL' JACK AND JILL!
Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.