Crime jokes

A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"

What's the difference between a pizza & a person?

A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...

A pedo is driving down a highway really slowly and gets stopped by the police. The officer asks why he was driving so slowly. The man answers, "I don't wake up the kids."

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.

One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.

No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.

His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

A) Why don't orphans play Minecraft Online?

Q) Because Technoblade will get their I.P. address and cum to their houses!

I was in social studies class and I was taking an exam and I couldn’t remember a lot of the information and everyone looked up shocked. A white kid holding a gun said, “You’re about to become history.” I almost forgot that we weren’t supposed to have any lessons that day.

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.

That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?

Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!

An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck 'em.

What's the difference between a brand new Oldsmobile and a brand new Raping?

...Rape.

What did the teacher say when he raped his naughty student?

"Face the wall!"

Why did the rape victim stop eating pears?

Because she was told that if you rearrange the letters "PEAR," it spells "rape."

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?

It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.