Car jokes

Yo mama is so fat she can't even get in her own car because she's fat.

I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.

Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was.

What do you call a banana driving a car?

A banana car.

A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.

The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"

I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.

What's black, white, and red all over?

A bi-racial car wreck.

There are sexiest women in politics.

They should be in a car showroom.

What do you call a magic car that I can do to help me out for you and I will be doing a great day?

When is a car not a car?

When it's a house.

Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.

Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.

Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"

Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.

Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

A cop.

What is a magic car? One that flies!

Son: I love you, Dad.

Dad gets in car and drives away.

One day, the Pope is coming to America in his limo, and he said to the driver, "Why don’t you let me drive for once?"

The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can’t say no to this guy; he’s the Pope." So the driver pulls over, and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while, the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "Slow down a bit; you might get pulled over."

The Pope says, "Ahhh, don’t worry about it; I’m the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments, he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car, and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute?"

The Pope says, "Sure." The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "Guys, I just pulled over someone really important."

They ask who, "The President?"

"No, more important."

"The president of another country?"

"No, more important."

"An ambassador?"

"No, even more important."

"Well, who is it?"

"I don’t know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."

So one time I had a dream where I was on a road trip and we drove a golf cart and a Susan, which I don’t know why the heck the name of the car was called a Susan.

We went into this house and there was like a woman there and we went into this bathroom which looked like a public bathroom, which was so weird!

Carly (😊): What a beautiful day, huh?

Bianca (😔): Yes, for you it is.

Carly (😟): What's wrong?

Bianca (😕): Nothing, nothing at all...

Carly (😠): Don't lie to me...

Carly (🤔): Hmmm... Jordan???

Carly (😈): Because if so, I can take him out like this...

Bianca (😔🙄😒): Thank you... no... and I don't give a damn anymore!

Carly (😠): Bianca, trust me, you don't love him anyway!

Bianca (😒): Please, Carlyana, please keep your fucking face out of this.

Carly (😈): No need to curse, I can do that to Jordan if you want...

Bianca (😔): Well... shut your mouth and leave me alone!

Rape is no laughing matter. The reason why women are not believed in rape is because of you mother fucking shitbirds with no future who will become drunkards and drug dealers who go broke and live on the street getting hit by a fucking car. Fuck all of you sadists who think this kind of shit is funny, well shut the fuck up. Go jump off a bridge or get hit by car and I hope you fucking sickos die.

Stop rape. Stop rappe. Stop rapibg innocent children and women and men. I am done with rape. I am done with it!

Potato.

Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!

It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.

We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.

Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.

We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"

A man is pulled over by a police officer.

The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The officer says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"

The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.

The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"

The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"