Car jokes
What did the car say when it crashed? That's wheely unfortunate!
What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"
I was in the car, and I got out and saw a deer walking sexy, and I'm like, "What the..."
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What’s the difference between women and cars?
At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?
Why did the lady go to the dealership? Because she was going to get Hereford.
A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."
The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."
The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."
The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."
The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."
The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."
The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."
What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven
Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere
Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
Why can lesbians not drive cars?
They always strap the wrong thing on.
My teacher asks all of us in class, "What is your favorite thing in the world?"
Josh: Cookies.
Jacob: My parents.
Erika: My Friends!
Brody: Lamborghinis.
Me: Pulling over in a car in the middle of nowhere at night with my girlfriend and getting in the back seat where the magic happens... ;-)
My Teacher: Ok, everyone that was all good...WAIT A DANG SECOND!
*Everyone Looks at Me With A Weird Face....
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!
Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.
Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?
Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.
Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.
Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.
Brother 2: You monster.
Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?
Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.
Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.
Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!
Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.
Brother 1: Found them.
*imaginary mother and brother fade away*
Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.
Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.
Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.
My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.
What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.