Can jokes

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

"Why?" said her friend.

"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

An Irish man walks out of a bar. It can happen.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.

If you are a robot, you cannot talk.

Why can you trust a donut? It tells the hole truth!

Why doesn't George Washington carry his ID?

Because he knows he can always ask for a quarter.

What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human being is the one who can drive.

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

Jake: Can I go outside?

Mom: Did you clean your room?

Jake: No.

Mom: Then f*ck no.

Jake: Alright, bet.

(Brother named No)

Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

Your forehead is so big, I can write an essay on it.

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.