Can jokes
Are you the sun? I can see you from a mile away.
Why does the emo's mom like taking her son to the store?
Because the cashier can scan his wrist for discounts!
What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.
You are so blind, even a spider can see better than you.
Why can you say "Kobe" even though you missed?
Because he didn't land either.
Your face is so big that not even you can see it.
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
Words can’t describe how beautiful you are.
But numbers can. (Lol)
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)
What do you call a man who can fly? A flying man.
What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!
"Hey Kenya, can we talk please!"
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
White people can't say the N-word, but at least they can say, "Thanks for the warning, officer," and "Hi, Dad."
Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.
David: I will surpass Kakarot!
Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*