"You can drink drinks, but you can't food foods."
-Sun Tzu, The Art Of Food
Can Jokes
Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.
Where can you find the most dads?
Milk Island.
Boy, your forehead so big, I can make a launchpad on that shit!
What can Miles Morales do that Spiderman can't?
Hug his parents.
Your mama is so stupid.
Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."
MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.
Orphans actually have an advantage. Nobody can call them motherless or test-tube babies in an argument.
Your forehead is so leaned back you can see the dinosaurs.
Why can't men play baseball?
Because no one can take the word "balls" seriously anymore.
You pecan do it!
Katgod, can you get your girlfriend? She's messing with me, and I'm gonna hurt soon.
Me: Mrs., can I read my book?
Teacher: Sure.
Me: *watching my Chromebook*
I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
The name is Doe, Dilbert Doe. You can call me Dil.
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
I don't see why women are complaining about the glass ceiling. I mean, if they reach high enough, they can clean it...
What college can Stephen Hawking not go to? Spelman University.
