What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
Guy 2 whispering: Oh, I got tired of acting gay.
Guy 1: I heard you. Why are you acting gay?
Guy 2: To attract gays and then give them advice.
Guy 1: So what's your advice to me?
Guy 2: That I just know you're gay.
LOL xD
Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."
Why did the farmer eat a fork?
'Cause he's a dumbass.
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
Why did everyone suggest that the cheetah eat all the pumpkins?
Because he cheated at everything!
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a shower for 20 minutes after she heard a DIRTY JOKE!
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
Vegetarian: I prefer plants.
Herbivore: I just like food.
Cannibal: I'm a people person.
I got caught peeing in the pool.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!
Look, an orphan, let's go beat 'em up.
What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?
Not all are friends.
Straight men change their girlfriends like they change their undies. So, about once a month.
If you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s b*tch.”
One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass, not breathing.
Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little Johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone.
Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."
