Psychology jokes

I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"

Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀

Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.

Remember, if you are suffering from paranoia...

You are not alone.

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

Depression is like having anxiety, but with more voices.

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?

Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Looks like depression got the best of me! Don’t worry, I’m already going under.

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.

When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Why do orphans become criminals? Because they want to know what it's like to be wanted.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.