Behavior jokes
What do autistic kids and birds have in common?
They both flap their arms.
My friends think I'm bipolar. I threw a pencil case at someone and I walked out, walked back in 2 seconds later and I was sunshines and rainbows.
Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.
Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.
Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.
Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.
Autistic kids are like cats. Prove me wrong.
If possible, I refrain from brunching celebrities. My path is smooth. The table receives the branching.
When I arrived at my friend's house and, after a long time, I was given permission to pick from the branches and graze the dog, I agreed. Then the work begins. "No, no money," I replied, "that's why I'm a burden to the world that hurts me."
And when I told them, they told me and said they were there. If I had a job, I would be fired on the first day for bad behavior. The best solution is to avoid this situation.
What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?
Accountability.
What do you call a Muslim who drinks, smokes, and fools around with other women?
Turkish.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"
I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.
You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.
And an exorcism.
When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?
What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?
Sit down and shut up.
I said, "Are you half left or half right?"
"Neither! In-between."
"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
Why did the gay guy say the n word? Cos he's retarded.