Partner jokes

Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

I hate my wife.

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?

Land ho!

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?

A. Crayons.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.