My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his ass.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
If I were a history teacher, Iβd make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.
Why do orphans bully people?
Because they can't get suspended.
Contact Parent _______
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
Why did the democrats come out of the closet as assholes after they found out that Rush Limbaugh died? Because they don't fear him anymore.
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
