My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his ass.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.
Why Do Orphans Bully People
Because They Cant Get Suspended
Contact Parent _______
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What is the fastest thing in the world?
James Charles when he sees little boys.
If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.
So, my friend and I were talking this time. I asked them what they would do if they ever met Rengoku. They said that they would probably like shake his hand or something, but I said I would lick his forehead. Wtf?
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
