Afterlife jokes
For his sake, I hope that heaven is wheelchair accessible...
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
What do the people in heaven that died on the Titanic call the Titanic? The Dietanic.
My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.
She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭
Why do orphans want to die?
Because they might see their parents in Heaven.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
"Our souls will rain forever."
Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?
Sanity to live: I don't know?
Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!
Sanity to live? *dies*
Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.
Sanity to live: *resurrected*
Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...
(sponsored by jumping bridges)
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu. You get what you deserve!
Joke time!
Now, Heaven or Hell?
Heaven: we got clouds.
Hell: we got a frickin' private yacht!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.
Your mama is so fat, she broke the stairs to Heaven.
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
Ever looked at a cemetery and thought, wow, Heaven and Hell must be crowded?