Afterlife jokes

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

What room does a ghost not want to be in?

The living room.

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?

No funeral costs.

School was fun, but it was hard, almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

Bin Laden promised 76 virgins to Al-Qaeda.

Instead, there was one 76-year-old virgin.

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.