Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.
The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣
What do you call a ghost's fart?
A spirit bomb.
Why did the orphan commit suicide?
So he could find home.
Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.
1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.
Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.
When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
