Afterlife jokes
How did Helen Keller know she went to hell?
She didn't.
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
Because there wasn’t a ramp.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
"Where ya going?"
"When I die, hell, but right now, my room."
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
For his sake, I hope that heaven is wheelchair accessible...
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What do the people in heaven that died on the Titanic call the Titanic? The Dietanic.
So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.
The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.
Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?
Sanity to live: I don't know?
Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!
Sanity to live? *dies*
Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.
Sanity to live: *resurrected*
Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...
(sponsored by jumping bridges)
Why do orphans want to die?
Because they might see their parents in Heaven.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu. You get what you deserve!
Why didn't Stephen Hawking go to heaven?
Because there was only a stairway to heaven and no lifts.
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"