Afterlife jokes

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits!

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

Why did God build a stairway to heaven?

So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.

In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.

Yo mama's so skinny that when she walks outside, she floats to Heaven.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

God: Who ever kills Hitler will go to heaven.

Hitler: 👌👌👌👌

God: 😩😩😩😩

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.