Afterlife jokes
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
Why is the graveyard so noisy?
Because of all the coffin : )
God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.
Hitler: Kills himself.
Yo mama's so skinny that when she walks outside, she floats to Heaven.
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?
Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
Why did Technoblade die?
'Cause he wanted to Skyblock in Heaven!
Bick: Jesus isn't real.
Ron: Yes, He is.
Bick: Prove it, bitch.
Ron: Cussing is a sin. Open the curtains.
Bick: Wh-?
Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!
The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.
Ron: Fuck you, Jesus.
Bick: Told you Jesus was real.
Satan: Get to work, slaves.
Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.
Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.
So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
If you give a man a match, he is warm for the night, but if you light a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life. :)