Afterlife jokes
I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
20 years later
Johnny: Hey dad.
Dad: Yea?
Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!
Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.
Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.
Dad:...
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
Stephen Hawking couldn't make it to Heaven because there were stairs, so he rolled down to Hell.
Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?
Heaven always has 5-star reviews.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.
Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.