Afterlife jokes
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?
Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.
Whoever invented school, I hope you burn in hell.
You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????
School was fun, but it was hard, almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Heaven.
Heaven who?
Heaven fun over there?
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.
The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
From your Dad.
I won’t be back for a while, it’s a very long line.
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."
He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."
Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."
Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.