Aed jokes

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw a brick in its mouth.

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?

In a Jif.

You're so skinny, you swallowed a meatball and thought you were pregnant!

Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?

A. There was a daycare on the other side.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

Anyone who makes fun of Prof should go to hell.

What type of music is a balloon afraid of? Pop.

I wish I was at a Western bar; then I would get shot.

A depressed guy walks into a utensil store and finds a knife, but he didn't stab himself... Part 2 coming out tomorrow.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.

What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?

A chill pill.

There is a man and a woman on a date.

The woman asked what kind of things do you love?

The table starts to lift up on the man's side and the man says sorry.

What is another name for 9/11?

A forbidden game of Jenga.

How do you know if a comedian is high?

Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.

I like my women how I like my wine. 14 years aged and locked in a cellar.

There are three men walking down the road, and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm, there is a cow, a monkey, and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money, and the farm is going out of business.

One of the men sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest, but the cow is so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle, it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them suggested that they put a cork up the cow's behind. The first guy says, "Okay, then go put a cork there."

"I don't want to do it. You do it."

"No, you do it."

The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it." And the monkey puts the cork in the cow's behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm.

The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of the cow. "Guys, we need to take the cork out of the cow," he says.

"Well, I'm not going to do it. You do it."

"No, you do it."

The third guy says, "Let's just get the monkey to do it again." So the monkey uncorks the cow, and there was a huge explosion. A few days later, the three men wake up in the hospital.

The doctor walks up to the first man and asks, "What happened?"

The first man replies, "All I remember is that horrible sound."

The doctor walks up to the second man and asks, "What happened?"

"All I remember is that horrible smell..."

The doctor walks up to the third man and again asks the same question. The third man looks at him and says, "All I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."

Wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Sorry, I don't have the guts to tell it.

Sonic can run around the world in a second.

In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.