Aed jokes

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"

Me: "They are Parental Guidance."

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing boeing boeing.

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."