Aed jokes
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?
A fungi.
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
There was a power outage.
Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:
"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow herd.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
When someone tells me to kill myself,
Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?
Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...
Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?