Advice jokes

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

What did the tree say to the depressed kid?

"Stop hanging around."

Why was the orphan so successful? They said "go big or go home," but he could not do the second.

I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.

'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!

Like I said, it's really bad. :(

A Chinese wise man once said, "ching chong ling long ting tong," which means, "keep striving in life."

What did the green grape say to the purple one?

"Calm down and take a breath."

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...

"Don't let your guard down."

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

Don't ever tell somebody depressed to try again.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

Nancy be like, "Don't do drugs, do cock!"

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.