You Jokes

What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.

What do you call a feminine cow?

A dairy queen.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"

Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"

Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."

Brother:......

I’m a professional 😉

A man is shown in five different panels. In the first panel, he is yelling: "WHY DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?". The second panel shows another man, who responds: "SHE WAS LYING THERE NAKED, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!". In the third panel, the first man is yelling: "THE AUTOPSY, THE FUCKING AUTOPSY!". In the fourth panel, he is throwing a chair, and yelling: "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!". In the fifth panel, he is pointing and yelling: "YOU ARE THE WORST VET ON EARTH!"

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot wheels.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.