You jokes

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

What do you call a feminine cow?

A dairy queen.

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"

Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"

Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."

Brother:......

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot wheels.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?

A virgin.