You jokes
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
What do you call a bunch of Black people in the river?
A black current...
(insert funny joke about a dick here).
Did you laugh? Be honest.
What do you say to the orphan?
"Shut up, get a mom and dad!"
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?
The damages are severe.
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
Hey, why did you copy me, you dumb-ass prince?
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?
Friend B: Yes, why?
Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!
You suck.
Why couldn't your mom make you dinner? Because she's dead!
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A money manager who counts bars.
Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"
That's a horrible thing to find out when you're adopted.
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?
The 2028 US election.
What did the baritone say to the alto?
Nothing, you couldn’t hear him.
What does a gas grenade and a baby have in common?
They both squeal when you throw them.
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
What was the oak tree's response to the apple tree's joke?
You should leaf it alone!