You jokes

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on juan.

If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.

What do you call a feminine cow?

A dairy queen.

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.