You jokes
Me: Wanna play 9/11?
Friend: What's that?
Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?
Because they are full of ears!
Now that was a corny joke.
And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
I know where you live.
What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?
Craven Morehead.
Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?
Actually, I shouldn't spread it.
What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?
A virgin.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
Yo mama so fat, you must refuel twice to run over her with a car.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?
A self-fie.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot wheels.
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."