You jokes
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
What do you call a nut on a wheelchair?....A busted nut.
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?
A self-fie.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and said, "Jill do you wanna?" Jill said yes, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill so now they have a son.
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot wheels.
What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats," but none of them touch the man's penis and say "well done?"
What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?
A virgin.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
Many soles were lost.
My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."
One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?
Seizure salad.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.