You jokes

What's the difference between an asshole and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Once I'm done choking you,

You will be too.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."

Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”