You jokes

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

Q: What do you call an orphan's family tree?

A: A stump.

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.

Person: Uh okay.

You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: What hit you in the face last night?

Person: Addicted... *laughs*

(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")

What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What do you call a German lesbian?

A krautmuncher.

I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.

How do you win an argument against an emo?

Kick the chair!

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide Squad!

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.

What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!

How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.

⚠️I’m not racist it’s just a joke⚠️

What do you call four black ppl in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat