You jokes
When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?
There is sperm on the computer screen.
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
I started debating whether or not suicide is a good option. Self-harm just hasn’t been cutting it lately.
To whoever you are, you are loved.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
What do you call a group of chubby trans-genders?
Trans-fats.
Why do feminists eat so much pussy?
To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.
Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?
What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.
Q: What do you call an orphan's family tree?
A: A stump.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!