You jokes

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?

Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.

What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!

How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.

How do you win an argument against an emo?

Kick the chair!

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

Suicide Squad!

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"