You jokes

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.