You Jokes

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

Why I come here instead of reddit nowadays >:\

The image shows Moe from The Simpsons with a noose around his neck, looking sad. Above him, the text says: "When all of your suicide memes get removed by the mods for being too edgy, but then you see someone else posting a suicide meme and getting 7.5k upvotes."

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.

When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."