You jokes

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.