You Jokes

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

What do you call a Trump Supporter?

A piece of $hit!

I know where you live.

The image is split into three sections. The top section shows a silhouette of a couple kissing at sunset and the caption reads "KIDS HAVE CRUSHES". The middle section shows a photo of a couple embracing and smiling and the caption reads "MEN HAVE GIRLFRIENDS". The bottom section shows a close up of a blacked-out Mario with glowing eyes, and the caption reads "I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS".

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

What's the difference between you and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."